Chapter 12
Dreams
December 2000
Tara sent Mackenzie a list of past Christmas memories for her to read when she was older:
“My sister, Chelsea and I would lie under the tree and look up at the lights as the twinkled and talk about things like what we wanted for Christmas.
On Christmas Eve when I was a kid, Chelsea would read me the story in the Bible of how Jesus was born, and then tuck me into bed.
We watched all the TV. specials together -‘ Rudolph, The Grinch, Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, The Drummer Boy, Frosty The Snowman, A Charlie Brown Christmas; etc.’
We listened to ‘The Sounds of Christmas’ album complete with sound effects over and over till we were sick of it and so was the family! We’d all huddle in the back bedroom and listen to it on one of my sister’s record players.
I’d help Dad unload the attic that had all our Christmas decorations in it and help him decorate outside.
We’d all go together to pick out a very tall, full tree.
Dad would always hold me up after decorating the tree to put the angel on top.
I wrote letters to Santa and Dad answered them. When I was seven I had casts on my legs and he wrote me that he was sorry about that.
I’d always leave treats for Santa and Dad would eat them and leave the crumbs as evidence.
Chelsea, her best friend and I would rehearse Christmas carols two weeks before December then carol for about a week in the neighborhood.
Every year, Chelsea, her best friend, and I would have ‘The C, T & R Show’ (The Chelsea, Tara, and Raina Show) made up of Christmas skits and songs and performed for our parents. The rest of the year Chelsea and I did ‘The C & T Show’ of non-holiday skits.” (Raina, an only child, disappeared when she was 22 at a mall and they never found her but Tara didn’t tell Mackenzie this).
“In seventh grade I sang with the choir in music class and we put on a Latin Christmas musical related to Jesus’ birth called ‘Destiny.’
We had Santa gifts that were unwrapped under the tree and wrapped gifts that came from our parents.
I’d always wake Chelsea up a bunch of times during the night before Christmas and finally in the morning she’d say, ‘Let’s go see what Santa brought.’
Once I made gingerbread men with Mom when I was about three years old.
I shook my wrapped gifts I’d find in the closet and we’d try to guess what was inside. Once I partially unwrapped one and tried to wrap it back which I did, although sloppily.
Dad always made home movies of holidays including Christmas.
One year Dad got on the roof in the middle of the night pretending to be Santa when we couldn’t sleep and kept asking when Santa was coming. He stomped on the roof, said ‘Ho! Ho! Ho!’ and jingled bells for the ‘sleigh.’
Mom and Dad would have Christmas parties sometimes in the basement.
When I was 22 I had my first apartment and my first real tree that was my own. I put it up myself and as soon as I
got it in the stand, my cat, who was celebrating her first holiday, scaled it all the way to the top.
My dog, Winnie, that I got a few years ago, would wag her tail so hard in front of the tree, that she’d knock ornaments off.
My mom’s old dog, Brandy, would always get the turkey carcass after our meal and carry it across the lawn like it was breakable.
During Christmas when I was in high school and college I worked at fast food places, restaurants, and Honeybaked Ham to earn extra money.
My cat, Charlie Chaplin and my dog, Ripley, didn’t get along at first when I added Ripley to the family but the second year they were together I found them side by side in front of the tree, motionless, just sitting together as if to say ‘Peace On Earth.’
Chelsea’s cat, Eunice, would always like to bat the ornaments around.
I have a wooden soldier ornament I made in the seventh grade that I still have. I also have ornaments my mom gave me for my first tree.
In ’96 my best friend, Susan had a Christmas party complete with a Mexican buffet and had a ton of people
there. I didn’t have enough for my asthma inhaler so she secretly passed a hat to collect the money then presented it to me.
One year I went with my mom to their woods and we chopped down a tree for my apartment when I lived in Georgia.
In ’91 I was reunited with my now ex-husband, Mark, when I unknowingly moved to his neighborhood. At the time we weren’t married and were broken up. I was unloading my car and I turned around and there he stood. He lived right next door and I had no idea! It was a good reunion that resulted in us getting married.
On December 4, 1993 I got married to Mark since we first met on that date in ‘89.
1992 was my most blessed holiday gift-wise as a married woman. The month before that Mark and I were struggling financially but in December he landed a good job and we had a great Christmas.
In ’94 we celebrated our one year anniversary and watched ‘Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’ on TV. and decorated our tree.
In ’95 we couldn’t afford to have Christmas and we were on the road for his job but he made it right by us going to a Christmas Eve service.
In ’97 I almost didn’t make it to the hospital after a series of asthma attacks. As I rode in the ambulance I prayed for God to save me. I got a new breathing machine for Christmas that year and was very grateful to be alive having come so close.
When I was 9, we had two Christmas celebrations - one with my step mom and her kids and one with my step dad and his kids, which became a tradition.
We’d always entertain ourselves as kids by playing Sorry!, Trouble, Parcheesi, and Life during Christmas break - over and over.
We always went together to pick Chelsea up at the airport when she’d come home from college break for Christmas.
We saw “The Nutcracker” around Christmas.
Chelsea and I would always go to a candlelight service at a church at 11 p.m. on Christmas Eve.
My foster father, Tom, would always take me shopping and tell me to pick out something I wanted.
When I was on the college newspaper staff we’d always write editorials/columns of wish lists and they’d be published in the paper. They’d be funny requests, odd ideas related to our jobs on the paper or based on something we’d done individually.
When Mark, my ex-husband and I, lived on St. Johns Avenue in Florida, the community would always decorate the streets with paper lanterns the first weekend in December.
Chelsea had a garage apartment once that opened onto the roof from the bedroom and at Christmas she had a gathering that year. It was small but beautiful with all the lights.
‘Planes, Trains, and Automobiles’ is a favorite holiday film of Chelsea’s and me. We saw it when it came out and still make jokes about scenes from it.
I got to intern at my hometown paper when I was in college as a staff writer during the holidays.
I also reunited with Mark during Christmas ’90 and he showed me this really cool apartment he was sharing with his best friend that had an interior decorated like a ship.
Chelsea and I would always go ice skating and make creative gifts like collages and homemade coupons.
Some creative things put on the tree in the past included cotton balls, stuffed animals, Christmas cards, colored clothespins, homemade gingerbread men, and jewelry.
Some charity ideas were making care packages for people, doing favors for friends, and giving people rides; also feeding the homeless and baby-sitting.
When I was 17 one of my teachers let me stay with her during the break instead of my foster home.
We’d always drive around and look at the lights in the neighborhoods.
Our favorite songs were ‘Come All Ye Faithful,’ ‘Silent Night,’ ‘We Gather Together (Thanksgiving),’ ‘Away In A Manger,’ and ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ among others.
We’d always listen to Christmas music when we decorated the tree.’
Past Christmases smelled like pine, tangerines, and new toys; felt like going to the fair, anticipated tearing up of colored paper, like sticking your hand in a kaleidoscope of blues, reds, and greens, like night air
on your tongue. It tasted like eggnog, milky, and warm ham.
December 1, 2000
Mackenzie went back to the G.I. specialist yesterday but Tara hadn’t heard anything. Mackenzie was only eight pounds and wouldn’t eat much. Tara worried about her constantly.
Tara had lived with her new platonic male roommate for a month now. He had a new girlfriend.
December 2, 2000
Tara stumbled across an article about kids’ horoscopes. Mackenzie’s profile (Leo) read:
“One thing’s certain: when Leo Sun wants or needs attention, you will know. A demanding quality can emerge, and lovingly defining who has the power is important from a very early age. By the early school years, if given opportunities to take center stage, you may have a budding performer or young leader growing up before your eyes.”
As an Aries, Tara was amused to read her birth sign’s profile, which was also right on the money:
“You can see the fiery nature of a small child with Aries Sun,” it said. “Waiting can be simply intolerable. Aries can be extremely temperamental, but once anger is burned off, may be quite charming. Elementary school years provide the perfect chance for this child to develop a drive to compete, meet challenges, and test limits.”
Quite the opposite of Chelsea’s sign, Virgo that read:
“Virgo Sun can be studious, even as a baby. He or she may also be talkative and observant. But don’t assume that this attention to detail means your Virgo child will be neat! Young Virgo may like school for learning itself. He or she may enjoy small toys, miniatures, or toys that can be carried in the hands.”
That sounded just like Chelsea who kept various miniature stress-reliever toys on her desk at work.
Veronica emailed Tara later that day:
“Just clicked on the Gladney site to read Amy’s journal entries. I’m so glad I did. Thank you for mentioning it. It helped me to know some things you went through at placement and afterwards. I have such mixed emotions
- - I am so grateful for you, yet I hurt for you at the same time. I can’t even imagine how hard this Christmas will be for you. I am so glad you are spending it with family. Please know how much we will be thinking of you. I will try to tape Christmas morning for you so you can be a part of Mackenzie’s first Christmas. We love you so very much and want only good things for you.
Today I was doing laundry. Ben was playing on his train and the baby was in the beanbag chair watching him and cooing. On one of my many trips to check on them, I had to do a double take as he had placed Mr. Potato Head glasses on Mackenzie. They were adorable. Of course I told him that she didn’t want to wear those. ‘She likes it Mom.’ She really didn’t seem to mind and I should have taken a pic.
Mackenzie is 9 lbs., 5 ozs. and doing well.
My sister-in-law’s baby was due January 10th but was stillborn and we had the funeral Monday. That tiny, tiny casket just broke my heart. The baby was 2 ½ pounds and evidently had some kind of distress that sent her into early labor. Being her first baby, she didn’t go immediately to the hospital. I am so sad for all of us, but especially for Mackenzie as they would have been so
close in age. Sigh. “Babyland” at the cemetery was the saddest thing I have ever seen. Thank you so much for carrying Mackenzie and taking such good care of yourself throughout your pregnancy.
We had Mackenzie’s pics taken with Santa and I’ll send you one as soon as I get them back. She looked great, although I don’t think she smiled. We’re also having another family pic taken at a Gladney event tomorrow. We rarely go to any of the outside events, but I want to get involved with some other adoptive families, so Ben and Mackenzie will have other children to talk to about their birth parents, adoptive parents, situations; etc.
A man at work is about to adopt his 6-8 month old nephew. I am so excited for he and his partner, as they are gay and didn’t think they’d be approved and everything went through. They’re hoping to have him for Christmas. We’re giving him a baby shower at work and he’s changing his schedule, his whole life (as he should) for this little boy. Adoption is truly a gift from God.”
Mackenzie was okay! She was now nine pounds and five and a half ounces, thank God! Her roommate’s ex-wife came and got some of her things and would be back tomorrow and Monday.
She felt happy for the first time in a long time earlier that night but now it was gone.
December 3, 2000
Tara felt so grateful today. She knew Mackenzie was happy.
December 4, 2000
Veronica wrote:
“We went to the Gladney Christmas party. It was beautiful. There were so many Christmas trees beautifully decorated. Ben and Mackenzie both sat in Santa’s lap and had their pics taken (again) and each received a gift. There was also a photographer there for family pics. Mackenzie was the youngest child there and a BIG hit. I’m taping her and Ben and hope to get a tape into the mail for you by the 10th-12th so that you’ll be assured to get it. Just in case you want to take it to Florida. I’m not sure if you’re comfortable doing that, so whatever you want to do with it is fine by me. I hope it’ll make it easier, not harder on you this Christmas.
I met someone you know at the party. I don’t remember her name but I’m sure she’ll say something to you. She does the international adoption and helps with the grief meetings. She said she definitely sees you in Mackenzie’s eyes.”
December 9, 2000
Tara had joined the gym at work. The day before she’d had five years sober, the second time around.
December 13, 2000
Everyone was snowed in.
Tara was finally not obsessing on Mackenzie. Although she was on her mind it wasn’t the persistent, all consuming obsession it had been. Now she just thought about how happy, loved, and cared for she was. She hadn’t heard from her APs lately.
She sent Veronica a poem for an adoptive mom and the book for Mackenzie.
December 15, 2000
Tara emailed Mackenzie a poem she created for her first Christmas and Veronica wrote back:
“Your poem was beautiful,” she wrote. “I printed it out for Mackenzie’s book. I can’t wait for you to see the video of her and how alert she is. She is also very happy and coos so much. I hope your family doesn’t think we’re weird taping her. They might think it’s harder on you to see her. Did you see ‘ER’ last night? One of the doctors placed her baby for adoption. I was bawling and Frank kept asking, ‘Are you okay?’ Will close for now as Mackenzie is waking up.”
December 16, 2000
Mackenzie had finally reached ten pounds! Veronica and Frank were so excited:
“The latest thing Mackenzie is doing - - - she loves to look at the tree so we put her in her bouncer chair right under the tree and she can kick at the ornaments. I have some non-breakable bells down low and she gets so excited to hear the sounds as she knows she’s making the noise,” Veronica wrote.
Tara missed Mackenzie today.
December 23, 2000
Tara was leaving for Chelsea’s in Florida tomorrow for three days.
Tara’s roommate got a promotion.
Christmas Day, 2000
It was Mackenzie’s first Christmas. Tara had a cry in the bathroom while dinner was being made at Chelsea’s.
Tara thought about Mackenzie all day. Today was harder than Thanksgiving. Tara thought she’d be okay before. She almost drank.
Veronica wrote:
“Mackenzie keeps looking at Ben’s new toy spaceship as it makes lots of ‘alien’ noises. I’m so glad you like the video. “I’m trying to film a little of Mackenzie’s first Christmas, also. The kids got so much stuff. Lots of crib toys, rattles, and clothes for Mackenzie. She really loves a glowworm and butterfly rattle. Today we go to my mom’s and watch them open more presents. Mackenzie just likes the crackling sound the paper makes. I said a special prayer at church last night for
you during the candle lighting. God’s light shines bright in you! I hope you have a wonderful wonderful day. Please remember how special you have made our Christmas. I am taking lots of pics and video for you.”
Tara wrote a Christmas poem for Frank and sent it to him. He said he liked it:
She’s beautiful,
You thought
And smiled
And then
You were in love
Her eyes followed yours
She buries her head
Into your strong arms
And heart
Across the room
I watched in peace
Taking in the two of you
Although in pain
I knew it was a
Good match
For both of you
And now it’s cold
Fall’s come
And gone
And winter stands
Oh so clear
The moon is full
The sun is out
And days tick by
So slow
You wondered would
I ever change my
Mind, turn my back
And question “What if?”
Or “Why can’t I?”
But I don’t do this now
For I have been given a
Gift from God
And you need not
Worry for me
She is your treasure
Now and always
As I observe
Her life
And though I
Didn’t know her long
I’ll always know her
Well
And I am glad you
Are her dad
The one she
So deserves.
December 26, 2000
Tara talked to an old friend in Florida and left a message for another one there.
Veronica sent Tara a sweet email and told her more videos and pictures were to come. No one in Tara’s family wanted to see the Placement video or look at pictures.
Tara saw a lot of little girls that day and imagined what Mackenzie would look like when she got older.
December 27, 2000
Tara’s mom and step dad watched some of the placement video and Chelsea was supposed to watch it that day.
Amy was back home with her mom and said the past month had flown. She cut her hair short. She said she really needed something to start her new life with. She talked to an Air Force recruiter and a made a plan for her future. She plans on joining the Air Force in July after finalization of the adoption. She said she’s been keeping busy with crocheting and working. She got a job at crisis pregnancy center counseling young girls in the same position. She also got a job training horses and giving lessons to a girl. And she’s dating someone new, an EMT. Her mom gave her an abdominal roller to flatten her stomach for Christmas. She’s in all her old clothes and has lost lots of weight and now weighs less than before she got pregnant. She got her two-week pix of her baby and has talked to her APs often. They say it just keeps getting easier.
That’d been Amy’s experience.
She said she didn’t find herself looking at her baby’s pictures every day any more like Tara did. She said she’s able to move on knowing her baby’s loved and cared for by so many people. She said she feels lucky to have a wonderful chance to start over with her life and make new friends, having the peace of mind that her daughter is in good hands.
Tara was a contradiction. On the one hand she was like a Mack truck on a steep downhill grade: unstoppable. Her determination and enthusiasm could sometimes drive people away, particularly when her formidable horns (She was an Aries) forced those around her to do things they really didn’t want to do. She hated middle-of-the-road people.
New Year’s Eve, 2000
A year ago Tara was bemoaning her boring life, two days before finding out she was pregnant, which changed her life forever.
Mackenzie was becoming so active Veronica wrote:
”She will actually entertain herself for a few minutes when we lay her on a pallet on the floor, surrounded by toys. She rolls off of the mat and ends up in some pretty
interesting spots. She’s almost totally out of her crib in our room. She’s a big girl and sleeps in her bed, sigh. She’s growing up. Of course I can’t seem to take the crib down just yet. She laughs out loud and loves to look at herself in the mirror.”
Dreams
December 2000
Tara sent Mackenzie a list of past Christmas memories for her to read when she was older:
“My sister, Chelsea and I would lie under the tree and look up at the lights as the twinkled and talk about things like what we wanted for Christmas.
On Christmas Eve when I was a kid, Chelsea would read me the story in the Bible of how Jesus was born, and then tuck me into bed.
We watched all the TV. specials together -‘ Rudolph, The Grinch, Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, The Drummer Boy, Frosty The Snowman, A Charlie Brown Christmas; etc.’
We listened to ‘The Sounds of Christmas’ album complete with sound effects over and over till we were sick of it and so was the family! We’d all huddle in the back bedroom and listen to it on one of my sister’s record players.
I’d help Dad unload the attic that had all our Christmas decorations in it and help him decorate outside.
We’d all go together to pick out a very tall, full tree.
Dad would always hold me up after decorating the tree to put the angel on top.
I wrote letters to Santa and Dad answered them. When I was seven I had casts on my legs and he wrote me that he was sorry about that.
I’d always leave treats for Santa and Dad would eat them and leave the crumbs as evidence.
Chelsea, her best friend and I would rehearse Christmas carols two weeks before December then carol for about a week in the neighborhood.
Every year, Chelsea, her best friend, and I would have ‘The C, T & R Show’ (The Chelsea, Tara, and Raina Show) made up of Christmas skits and songs and performed for our parents. The rest of the year Chelsea and I did ‘The C & T Show’ of non-holiday skits.” (Raina, an only child, disappeared when she was 22 at a mall and they never found her but Tara didn’t tell Mackenzie this).
“In seventh grade I sang with the choir in music class and we put on a Latin Christmas musical related to Jesus’ birth called ‘Destiny.’
We had Santa gifts that were unwrapped under the tree and wrapped gifts that came from our parents.
I’d always wake Chelsea up a bunch of times during the night before Christmas and finally in the morning she’d say, ‘Let’s go see what Santa brought.’
Once I made gingerbread men with Mom when I was about three years old.
I shook my wrapped gifts I’d find in the closet and we’d try to guess what was inside. Once I partially unwrapped one and tried to wrap it back which I did, although sloppily.
Dad always made home movies of holidays including Christmas.
One year Dad got on the roof in the middle of the night pretending to be Santa when we couldn’t sleep and kept asking when Santa was coming. He stomped on the roof, said ‘Ho! Ho! Ho!’ and jingled bells for the ‘sleigh.’
Mom and Dad would have Christmas parties sometimes in the basement.
When I was 22 I had my first apartment and my first real tree that was my own. I put it up myself and as soon as I
got it in the stand, my cat, who was celebrating her first holiday, scaled it all the way to the top.
My dog, Winnie, that I got a few years ago, would wag her tail so hard in front of the tree, that she’d knock ornaments off.
My mom’s old dog, Brandy, would always get the turkey carcass after our meal and carry it across the lawn like it was breakable.
During Christmas when I was in high school and college I worked at fast food places, restaurants, and Honeybaked Ham to earn extra money.
My cat, Charlie Chaplin and my dog, Ripley, didn’t get along at first when I added Ripley to the family but the second year they were together I found them side by side in front of the tree, motionless, just sitting together as if to say ‘Peace On Earth.’
Chelsea’s cat, Eunice, would always like to bat the ornaments around.
I have a wooden soldier ornament I made in the seventh grade that I still have. I also have ornaments my mom gave me for my first tree.
In ’96 my best friend, Susan had a Christmas party complete with a Mexican buffet and had a ton of people
there. I didn’t have enough for my asthma inhaler so she secretly passed a hat to collect the money then presented it to me.
One year I went with my mom to their woods and we chopped down a tree for my apartment when I lived in Georgia.
In ’91 I was reunited with my now ex-husband, Mark, when I unknowingly moved to his neighborhood. At the time we weren’t married and were broken up. I was unloading my car and I turned around and there he stood. He lived right next door and I had no idea! It was a good reunion that resulted in us getting married.
On December 4, 1993 I got married to Mark since we first met on that date in ‘89.
1992 was my most blessed holiday gift-wise as a married woman. The month before that Mark and I were struggling financially but in December he landed a good job and we had a great Christmas.
In ’94 we celebrated our one year anniversary and watched ‘Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’ on TV. and decorated our tree.
In ’95 we couldn’t afford to have Christmas and we were on the road for his job but he made it right by us going to a Christmas Eve service.
In ’97 I almost didn’t make it to the hospital after a series of asthma attacks. As I rode in the ambulance I prayed for God to save me. I got a new breathing machine for Christmas that year and was very grateful to be alive having come so close.
When I was 9, we had two Christmas celebrations - one with my step mom and her kids and one with my step dad and his kids, which became a tradition.
We’d always entertain ourselves as kids by playing Sorry!, Trouble, Parcheesi, and Life during Christmas break - over and over.
We always went together to pick Chelsea up at the airport when she’d come home from college break for Christmas.
We saw “The Nutcracker” around Christmas.
Chelsea and I would always go to a candlelight service at a church at 11 p.m. on Christmas Eve.
My foster father, Tom, would always take me shopping and tell me to pick out something I wanted.
When I was on the college newspaper staff we’d always write editorials/columns of wish lists and they’d be published in the paper. They’d be funny requests, odd ideas related to our jobs on the paper or based on something we’d done individually.
When Mark, my ex-husband and I, lived on St. Johns Avenue in Florida, the community would always decorate the streets with paper lanterns the first weekend in December.
Chelsea had a garage apartment once that opened onto the roof from the bedroom and at Christmas she had a gathering that year. It was small but beautiful with all the lights.
‘Planes, Trains, and Automobiles’ is a favorite holiday film of Chelsea’s and me. We saw it when it came out and still make jokes about scenes from it.
I got to intern at my hometown paper when I was in college as a staff writer during the holidays.
I also reunited with Mark during Christmas ’90 and he showed me this really cool apartment he was sharing with his best friend that had an interior decorated like a ship.
Chelsea and I would always go ice skating and make creative gifts like collages and homemade coupons.
Some creative things put on the tree in the past included cotton balls, stuffed animals, Christmas cards, colored clothespins, homemade gingerbread men, and jewelry.
Some charity ideas were making care packages for people, doing favors for friends, and giving people rides; also feeding the homeless and baby-sitting.
When I was 17 one of my teachers let me stay with her during the break instead of my foster home.
We’d always drive around and look at the lights in the neighborhoods.
Our favorite songs were ‘Come All Ye Faithful,’ ‘Silent Night,’ ‘We Gather Together (Thanksgiving),’ ‘Away In A Manger,’ and ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ among others.
We’d always listen to Christmas music when we decorated the tree.’
Past Christmases smelled like pine, tangerines, and new toys; felt like going to the fair, anticipated tearing up of colored paper, like sticking your hand in a kaleidoscope of blues, reds, and greens, like night air
on your tongue. It tasted like eggnog, milky, and warm ham.
December 1, 2000
Mackenzie went back to the G.I. specialist yesterday but Tara hadn’t heard anything. Mackenzie was only eight pounds and wouldn’t eat much. Tara worried about her constantly.
Tara had lived with her new platonic male roommate for a month now. He had a new girlfriend.
December 2, 2000
Tara stumbled across an article about kids’ horoscopes. Mackenzie’s profile (Leo) read:
“One thing’s certain: when Leo Sun wants or needs attention, you will know. A demanding quality can emerge, and lovingly defining who has the power is important from a very early age. By the early school years, if given opportunities to take center stage, you may have a budding performer or young leader growing up before your eyes.”
As an Aries, Tara was amused to read her birth sign’s profile, which was also right on the money:
“You can see the fiery nature of a small child with Aries Sun,” it said. “Waiting can be simply intolerable. Aries can be extremely temperamental, but once anger is burned off, may be quite charming. Elementary school years provide the perfect chance for this child to develop a drive to compete, meet challenges, and test limits.”
Quite the opposite of Chelsea’s sign, Virgo that read:
“Virgo Sun can be studious, even as a baby. He or she may also be talkative and observant. But don’t assume that this attention to detail means your Virgo child will be neat! Young Virgo may like school for learning itself. He or she may enjoy small toys, miniatures, or toys that can be carried in the hands.”
That sounded just like Chelsea who kept various miniature stress-reliever toys on her desk at work.
Veronica emailed Tara later that day:
“Just clicked on the Gladney site to read Amy’s journal entries. I’m so glad I did. Thank you for mentioning it. It helped me to know some things you went through at placement and afterwards. I have such mixed emotions
- - I am so grateful for you, yet I hurt for you at the same time. I can’t even imagine how hard this Christmas will be for you. I am so glad you are spending it with family. Please know how much we will be thinking of you. I will try to tape Christmas morning for you so you can be a part of Mackenzie’s first Christmas. We love you so very much and want only good things for you.
Today I was doing laundry. Ben was playing on his train and the baby was in the beanbag chair watching him and cooing. On one of my many trips to check on them, I had to do a double take as he had placed Mr. Potato Head glasses on Mackenzie. They were adorable. Of course I told him that she didn’t want to wear those. ‘She likes it Mom.’ She really didn’t seem to mind and I should have taken a pic.
Mackenzie is 9 lbs., 5 ozs. and doing well.
My sister-in-law’s baby was due January 10th but was stillborn and we had the funeral Monday. That tiny, tiny casket just broke my heart. The baby was 2 ½ pounds and evidently had some kind of distress that sent her into early labor. Being her first baby, she didn’t go immediately to the hospital. I am so sad for all of us, but especially for Mackenzie as they would have been so
close in age. Sigh. “Babyland” at the cemetery was the saddest thing I have ever seen. Thank you so much for carrying Mackenzie and taking such good care of yourself throughout your pregnancy.
We had Mackenzie’s pics taken with Santa and I’ll send you one as soon as I get them back. She looked great, although I don’t think she smiled. We’re also having another family pic taken at a Gladney event tomorrow. We rarely go to any of the outside events, but I want to get involved with some other adoptive families, so Ben and Mackenzie will have other children to talk to about their birth parents, adoptive parents, situations; etc.
A man at work is about to adopt his 6-8 month old nephew. I am so excited for he and his partner, as they are gay and didn’t think they’d be approved and everything went through. They’re hoping to have him for Christmas. We’re giving him a baby shower at work and he’s changing his schedule, his whole life (as he should) for this little boy. Adoption is truly a gift from God.”
Mackenzie was okay! She was now nine pounds and five and a half ounces, thank God! Her roommate’s ex-wife came and got some of her things and would be back tomorrow and Monday.
She felt happy for the first time in a long time earlier that night but now it was gone.
December 3, 2000
Tara felt so grateful today. She knew Mackenzie was happy.
December 4, 2000
Veronica wrote:
“We went to the Gladney Christmas party. It was beautiful. There were so many Christmas trees beautifully decorated. Ben and Mackenzie both sat in Santa’s lap and had their pics taken (again) and each received a gift. There was also a photographer there for family pics. Mackenzie was the youngest child there and a BIG hit. I’m taping her and Ben and hope to get a tape into the mail for you by the 10th-12th so that you’ll be assured to get it. Just in case you want to take it to Florida. I’m not sure if you’re comfortable doing that, so whatever you want to do with it is fine by me. I hope it’ll make it easier, not harder on you this Christmas.
I met someone you know at the party. I don’t remember her name but I’m sure she’ll say something to you. She does the international adoption and helps with the grief meetings. She said she definitely sees you in Mackenzie’s eyes.”
December 9, 2000
Tara had joined the gym at work. The day before she’d had five years sober, the second time around.
December 13, 2000
Everyone was snowed in.
Tara was finally not obsessing on Mackenzie. Although she was on her mind it wasn’t the persistent, all consuming obsession it had been. Now she just thought about how happy, loved, and cared for she was. She hadn’t heard from her APs lately.
She sent Veronica a poem for an adoptive mom and the book for Mackenzie.
December 15, 2000
Tara emailed Mackenzie a poem she created for her first Christmas and Veronica wrote back:
“Your poem was beautiful,” she wrote. “I printed it out for Mackenzie’s book. I can’t wait for you to see the video of her and how alert she is. She is also very happy and coos so much. I hope your family doesn’t think we’re weird taping her. They might think it’s harder on you to see her. Did you see ‘ER’ last night? One of the doctors placed her baby for adoption. I was bawling and Frank kept asking, ‘Are you okay?’ Will close for now as Mackenzie is waking up.”
December 16, 2000
Mackenzie had finally reached ten pounds! Veronica and Frank were so excited:
“The latest thing Mackenzie is doing - - - she loves to look at the tree so we put her in her bouncer chair right under the tree and she can kick at the ornaments. I have some non-breakable bells down low and she gets so excited to hear the sounds as she knows she’s making the noise,” Veronica wrote.
Tara missed Mackenzie today.
December 23, 2000
Tara was leaving for Chelsea’s in Florida tomorrow for three days.
Tara’s roommate got a promotion.
Christmas Day, 2000
It was Mackenzie’s first Christmas. Tara had a cry in the bathroom while dinner was being made at Chelsea’s.
Tara thought about Mackenzie all day. Today was harder than Thanksgiving. Tara thought she’d be okay before. She almost drank.
Veronica wrote:
“Mackenzie keeps looking at Ben’s new toy spaceship as it makes lots of ‘alien’ noises. I’m so glad you like the video. “I’m trying to film a little of Mackenzie’s first Christmas, also. The kids got so much stuff. Lots of crib toys, rattles, and clothes for Mackenzie. She really loves a glowworm and butterfly rattle. Today we go to my mom’s and watch them open more presents. Mackenzie just likes the crackling sound the paper makes. I said a special prayer at church last night for
you during the candle lighting. God’s light shines bright in you! I hope you have a wonderful wonderful day. Please remember how special you have made our Christmas. I am taking lots of pics and video for you.”
Tara wrote a Christmas poem for Frank and sent it to him. He said he liked it:
She’s beautiful,
You thought
And smiled
And then
You were in love
Her eyes followed yours
She buries her head
Into your strong arms
And heart
Across the room
I watched in peace
Taking in the two of you
Although in pain
I knew it was a
Good match
For both of you
And now it’s cold
Fall’s come
And gone
And winter stands
Oh so clear
The moon is full
The sun is out
And days tick by
So slow
You wondered would
I ever change my
Mind, turn my back
And question “What if?”
Or “Why can’t I?”
But I don’t do this now
For I have been given a
Gift from God
And you need not
Worry for me
She is your treasure
Now and always
As I observe
Her life
And though I
Didn’t know her long
I’ll always know her
Well
And I am glad you
Are her dad
The one she
So deserves.
December 26, 2000
Tara talked to an old friend in Florida and left a message for another one there.
Veronica sent Tara a sweet email and told her more videos and pictures were to come. No one in Tara’s family wanted to see the Placement video or look at pictures.
Tara saw a lot of little girls that day and imagined what Mackenzie would look like when she got older.
December 27, 2000
Tara’s mom and step dad watched some of the placement video and Chelsea was supposed to watch it that day.
Amy was back home with her mom and said the past month had flown. She cut her hair short. She said she really needed something to start her new life with. She talked to an Air Force recruiter and a made a plan for her future. She plans on joining the Air Force in July after finalization of the adoption. She said she’s been keeping busy with crocheting and working. She got a job at crisis pregnancy center counseling young girls in the same position. She also got a job training horses and giving lessons to a girl. And she’s dating someone new, an EMT. Her mom gave her an abdominal roller to flatten her stomach for Christmas. She’s in all her old clothes and has lost lots of weight and now weighs less than before she got pregnant. She got her two-week pix of her baby and has talked to her APs often. They say it just keeps getting easier.
That’d been Amy’s experience.
She said she didn’t find herself looking at her baby’s pictures every day any more like Tara did. She said she’s able to move on knowing her baby’s loved and cared for by so many people. She said she feels lucky to have a wonderful chance to start over with her life and make new friends, having the peace of mind that her daughter is in good hands.
Tara was a contradiction. On the one hand she was like a Mack truck on a steep downhill grade: unstoppable. Her determination and enthusiasm could sometimes drive people away, particularly when her formidable horns (She was an Aries) forced those around her to do things they really didn’t want to do. She hated middle-of-the-road people.
New Year’s Eve, 2000
A year ago Tara was bemoaning her boring life, two days before finding out she was pregnant, which changed her life forever.
Mackenzie was becoming so active Veronica wrote:
”She will actually entertain herself for a few minutes when we lay her on a pallet on the floor, surrounded by toys. She rolls off of the mat and ends up in some pretty
interesting spots. She’s almost totally out of her crib in our room. She’s a big girl and sleeps in her bed, sigh. She’s growing up. Of course I can’t seem to take the crib down just yet. She laughs out loud and loves to look at herself in the mirror.”