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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Diary of a Birth Mom Part 2

My little girl went to the G.I. specialist yesterday but I haven't heard anything. She's only eight pounds and won't eat much. I worry about her constantly.

I'm kind of down. I went to a birthday party. My little girl's okay - 9 pounds, 5 1/2 ounces, thank God! I felt happy for the first time in a long time earlier tonight but now it's gone.

My little girl's adoptive brother put Mr. Potato Head glasses on her! I feel so grateful today. I know she's happy.

I'm working on a book proposal for my journal, written in novel format and with a lot more detail. I got depressed after buying my little girl's Christmas present - a "Little House on the Prairie" book. I joined the gym at work. Yesterday I had five years sober.

Snowed in. I'm finally not obsessing about my daughter. Although she's on my mind, it's not the throbbing, all consuming obsession it has been. Now I just think about how happy, loved, and cared for she is. I haven't heard from my APs lately. I sent her new mom a poem for an adoptive mom and the book for my little girl.

Tonight was my sister's dance performance in Florida. I missed my daughter today. Her new dad liked my poem about him.

I leave for my sister's in Florida tomorrow for three days. I got my birth mom journal on my email and forwarded it to a bunch of friends for feedback. I've been wanting to drink for two days and I almost did. I don't know why. I thought I was doing okay with the adoption. But looking back over last night I realized I wanted to drink to blot out the sadness. My roommate got a promotion.

My daughter's first Christmas. I had a cry in the bathroom while Christmas dinner was being made. My family and I went to the movies. I thought about my little girl all day. Today was harder than Thanksgiving. I thought I'd be okay. I almost drank.

I talked to an old friend in Florida. The adoptive mom sent me a sweet email and said more videos and pix are to come. Noone in my family wants to see the Placement video or look at pictures. I saw a lot of little girls today and imagined what my daughter would be like older. I feel as tired as I was when pregnant.

I had a fitful night. My mom and stepdad watched some of the Placement video. My sister's supposed to watch it today. I found out my uncle died the day my daughter was born.

A year ago I bought a pregnancy test. My friend and I went to a piano bar to celebrate New Year's but neither of us drank. It was fun. My sponsor gave me my five-year medallion in AA last night. My little girl has graduated out of her crib and loves to look at herself in the mirror. Quite different from me!

A year ago I found out I was pregnant. I talked to someone tonight who placed her son in a closed adoption seven years ago and she was very bitter. She wasn't very supportive of my situation but I told her I didn't regret my choice. I thought about my daughter all day but wasn't that sad. This really feels like a real new year for the first time. Normally it doesn't.

A birth mom I was at Gladney with called and told me that one of the public relations people from there wants to meet with me to talk about being on "The View!" Supposedly Barbara Walters read my "Self Magazine" interview and wants to get an older birth mom's view! They're doing as series on adoption. I meet with the P.R. person Wednesday. We were supposed to meet today but she had to reschedule. A friend of mine reviewed my journal and sees three potential books out of it. My best friend and I celebrated our AA birthdays together. I feel good about my daughter. It's less painful, more peaceful now. I don't regret my decision. She is happy and she thrives. She laughs and she's secure and comfortable in her home. She's well taken care of and she has no uncertainty. She has confidence in her parents. She'd have none of that if she were with me. I know this. The woman who placed in a closed adoption seven years ago tried to make me feel bad about my decision but I don't. She has two other kids she has custody of. I hung up the phone from her feeling bad last week but now I feel good, stronger about my decision, proud of my decision, thankful.

I'm exhausted. Tomorrow's the big lunch with Paige from Gladney (the P.R. person). I'll finally know. I want a new life. I'm not interested in a relationship at all which is a very good thing for me. Nothing thrills me any more. I'm bored with all the games. Even the guy I used to obsess about long distance doesn't do it for me. I'm seeing things so clearly now.

I feel fatigued all the time like when I was pregnant. I've been thinking about my daughter all day. The Gladney people took me to lunch and told me about the interview. They may not be able to accompany me, though. I'd be scared to go alone.

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Diary of a Mother

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